Ambivalent points on ... What was that? ...my existential anxiety

What was that? A headache, a rash in my hands from the restless washing, a migraine that I never had before and maybe is developing now, or too much salt that I added in the food. No, these are all excuses. It is the virus - the coronavirus - and it has come to me. It is here. It is invisible. And, it will kill me. It will kill me. It will kill me. Will it be painful, you think? Will anyone cry for me? Will anyone say a good thing or two about me? I want to text him and tell him that in all of this situation, I thought about him today. That I hope he is well, even if I die. Even if I don't live to ever find or touch, or feel another one? What happens to singles really in a pandemic? What are their chances of finding the one? Zero? Did I want to have a kid after all? No ... no that's taking too far. I am happy how I have decided about that. I just want it to all go away. For us to be free again.

How small? How vulnerable? How timid are we? There is an unparalleled nothingness to us all. Is this keyboard the last thing I will see? In my last healthy looking hours. I bought it last week when I was still not afraid. I heard that we were all going to be working from home and I thought I need a good looking keyboard. It is a great looking keyboard. It is one of the very few things that I took with me when I booked my flight. A one way ticket away from a home that I love dearly and could not think of ever leaving. But then I made the decision. I feel safer here. I feel I won't be a burden to my friends. I feel that the weather in Greece will be better and I will be looking outside the hospital window to the sunshine... remembering my island - the place that I love the most in this world. Maybe when all of this is done and if I survive it, I might go and live on my island. Get my groceries, some fish, open my windows to the Aegean ... I am sorry my mother wont be able to read this when I am dead .... I am so deep into this disaster. How am I going to get out of it? Will I spend my last healthy hours agonising about how I will die. My last hours should have been spent doing something which was a little bit more fun, than agonising. 

I have just changed the music and I am already feeling better. I need a strong beat. Yes, I do. What if .... even if it is my last hours.... what does that mean? Maybe I will just die gracefully. With a beat! With the rhythm that I am used to having throughout my life. If I died now, my anxiety about getting tinnitus from the ongoing listening to music will not come true. I will have died Tinnitus free! 

The Aegean, eh? What is there in the world apart from the Aegean (and him)? The blue, the white, the waves, the crystal calmness, the breeze, the storm, the sun, the moon and their reflections. The silence of the afternoon, the sweetness of the evenings, the craze and desire of the night.... the ongoing play between sun, sea and smiles... the rhythm of the night, the feeling of the night, the lights, the darknesses, it's like the whole world is winking, one eye looking at everything that is happening, one concealing... both together inviting you to join them. 

I am feeling a little bit better... Tomorrow I will read some poetry. And then maybe I will fall gravely ill. 

Good night. x 

Ambivalent points on being strong

I was recently thinking about how eager people are seen and perceived by others...they are seen as strong people. And yes they are! They are resourceful and smart and can juggle loads of stuff at the same time, different types of people, a wide range of relationships, and competing challenges and priorities. They have a sense of direction and focus that keeps them going despite all odds and frequently get up to things that are impressive, challenge the status quo and influence the people and situations around them. But that is not the whole story...because - even though the above is indeed right - for every pat on the back there is a need for an equal measure of understanding and support. Goethe - perhaps the philosopher closer to my heart and mind - said that 'only people who do important things make important mistakes' and in the same way we could say that 'only people who are eager to have a strong impact on their environment need strong help and support emotionally, personally and professionally'. Strong is such  an elusive term.... it almost means that there is no room for weakness or doubt, no need for guidance and companionship. One constantly hears 'Oh, I am not afraid of you - you can handle this' - how unfortunate, unforgiving and unfair is this perception. And the reality is 'Yes, of course I can handle it, but I also find it quite challenging - could you please give me a hand?'.

I was talking to a friend* a few nights ago who is going through some difficult times and has taxed herself with solving the problem by herself because that is what she does as a strong person. Surely, she should be entitled to find the situation challenging and difficult - isn't that the nature of problems by definition anyway? Wouldn't admitting to the challenging nature of the situation that she is in also be the strongest course of action? Wouldn't that help identify where the difficulties lie and get on with solving or handling them?


The Victory of Samothrace
Louvre Museum, Paris

But she should know how to deal with this if she is strong, right? No. I am ever so increasingly being convinced that different people have different needs, and a need is exactly that - something that you can't handle, something that maybe a sixteen-year-old can do better than you and something that does not cancel out all of the other things that you can do in a friendly, emotionally mature and professional manner. It doesn't matter if one is a managing partner in a large firm, an entrepreneur, has a PhD or has had a number of successes of any sort throughout their personal and professional lives. In the same way that The Victory of Samothrace is a masterpiece that is missing its head (i.e. where perfection is married to imperfection), most talented and eager people will have some needs that under the desire and pressure for an impactful lifestyle can become compelling weaknesses. Of course, in the absence of the desire to have impact all needs are silenced.

So perhaps strong can also be that which seems to be weak and humane as it is in the process of eagerly achieving its potential and extending itself.

For an unrealistic and unhelpful understanding of what strong means, please click here.


PS. Any ideas?


*This is a fictional scenario - no friends were hurt in the making of this narrative. The inspiration for this piece is self-centred and self-inflicted.

Ambivalent points on the search for wisdom

In Blake's view exposure to a material world where corruption and adherence to religious dogma prevail over mercy brings the loss of innocence. Wisdom he felt could only be gained through our own liberty and self-discovery. Art, he felt, provided insight into the world and was potentially redemptive for humanity. In his search for wisdom, Blake rejected mere scientific and artistic speculation but instead sought the demanding surety available from the wellspring of the imaginative spirit.

For Blake, life, death and resurrection belong to a single spiritual realm - are part of a totality.

PS. Any ideas?

Ambivalent points on looking better whilst getting older

Audience: How is it that Woody Allen just gets better and better looking the older he gets?

Woody Allen: Well, it's nice of her to say that! Eh! You know, I probably started very bad when I was younger. And, anything that happens is registered as an improvement.

Directly quoted from 'TIME Interviews Woody Allen' on YouTube.

PS. Any ideas?

Ambivalent points on the credit crunch

Credit crunch a year on: The winners

By Gavin Stamp
Business reporter, BBC News


The global credit crunch has caused anxiety and financial distress to millions. But as with any situation, there have been winners as well as losers.

US and European banks have had to turn to investors in the Middle East and Asia to repair their balance sheets, further strengthening the global economic clout and reach of China and the oil-rich Gulf states.
As consumers change their spending habits, certain businesses have reaped the rewards.
And while the financial turmoil has proved poison for policymakers dealing with it, it has provided rare meat for economists, commentators and opposition politicians.

SOVEREIGN WEALTH FUNDS

State-controlled investment funds were a powerful force on the global business landscape long before the start of the credit crunch. But the cash crisis in the banking sector has accelerated the growth of so-called sovereign wealth funds, giving them an unprecedented opportunity to invest more of their colossal wealth in attractive corporate assets. Many of Wall Street's top names were grateful for injections of cash from sources that, not too long ago, they may have been somewhat wary of. The Government of Singapore Investment Corporation (GIC) invested $6.8bn in Citigroup shares and bought a 9% stake in Swiss bank UBS while fellow Singaporean fund Temasek acquired a 10% stake in Merrill Lynch. The Abu Dhabi Investment Authority invested $7.5bn in a stake in Citigroup while the Kuwait Investment Authority snapped up a $6.6bn holding in Merrill Lynch. The Gulf state of Qatar, via its Qatar Investment Authority, took a £1.7bn stake in Barclays. Chinese funding was also in demand with the China Investment Corporation - home to a fraction of China's vast foreign exchange reserves - shelling out $5.5bn to acquire a near 10% stake in Morgan Stanley. Bank bosses welcomed these investments as a vote of confidence in their businesses and the chance for valuable future partnerships in fast-growing regions.

But while many politicians backed this view, some worried about the political and economic repercussions of the shift in the balance of corporate power that this clearly represented. The European Union worried that state funds were not open enough about their affairs and called for them to follow new guidelines on governance and disclosure. The G8 group of leading industrial nations asked the International Monetary Fund and the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) to look into how such funds conducted themselves, with the OECD concluding that there was no need for them to be regulated.

THE SUPER-RICH

It has become something of mantra that the credit crunch has affected everyone, whatever their level of income or assets. But it is undeniably true that some have felt it more than others. Anyone with cash savings has benefited and the larger the pile, the bigger the benefit. The super-rich are not insulated from falling property prices, bad investments and rising fuel costs, but evidence suggests they have weathered the storm better than most. According to Merrill Lynch, the ranks of the super-rich - defined as having more than $30m excluding the value of their homes - swelled 8% last year to more than 100,000. The combined wealth of millionaires, meanwhile, rose by more than 9% to $40.7 trillion, driven by a glut of new members in China, India and Brazil. This year will prove much tougher with fast-growing emerging economies vulnerable to the global slowdown, tight credit conditions and rising inflation.

But amid the prevailing gloom, there are signs individuals sitting on piles of cash are still prepared to spend it on prestigious investments. The annual sale of Old Masters paintings at Sotheby's generated £59.4m this year, 31% higher than 2007 and a 87% rise on the year before. Meanwhile, De Beers reports sales of rough diamonds are 10% ahead of last year while the owner of Cartier says jewellery sales rose 16% between April and June. Bookings at London's upmarket Dorchester Hotel have risen 12% in the past year.

VALUE PROVIDERS

While a minority may be cocooned from the effects of the credit crunch, most have been reviewing their expenditure and tightening their belts. Businesses able to provide value for money, both in terms of cheaper goods and ease of services have prospered. The popularity of "discount" supermarkets is a clear example of this. Their share of the UK grocery market has never been higher than now, with Aldi and Lidl enjoying annual sales growth of 19% and 14% respectively in June. The grocery sector is still growing strongly but customers seem to be "trading down" to cheaper stores as Waitrose and M&S see lower-than-average sales growth. McDonald's is creating 4,000 jobs in the UK after proclaiming itself more "recession resistant" than most retailers while the likes of Domino's Pizza have been busy as more people choose to order in rather than eat out. Other beneficiaries of the tougher economic climate include UK holiday operators such as Pontin's camps - whose bookings are up 10% - and public transport operators. As more repossessed homes go under the hammer, property auctioneers have also seen their fortunes improve. In its most recent auction last month, London auctioneer Andrews Robertson offered 215 properties for sale, up from 192 a year ago and 130 in July 2006. The fallback option provided by pawnbrokers is also proving increasingly attractive to people having to raise cash quickly. Industry estimates suggest the number of UK pawnbrokers is rising 10% a year and business is booming. One firm - H&T Group - saw profits jump more than 50% last year.

GLOOM MERCHANTS?

A financial crisis is rarely good for governments, particularly those that have been in power for a long time. The dramatic slide in Labour's popularity in the past year has neatly shadowed the global financial turmoil. In contrast, it has coincided with the revival of David Cameron's governing aspirations and the full emergence of Barack Obama as a political phenomenon. Opposition figures can make their name in a crisis and Lib Dem Treasury spokesman Vince Cable's dissection of Northern Rock's failings has won him widespread praise. Rarely off TV screens in recent months, it is apt that Mr Cable was once an economist, for they have also been among the winners from the credit crunch. In demand for their expertise and forecasting skills, they have gone a long way to proving that their calling is more of an important skill than a dismal science.

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/business/7525181.stm

Published: 2008/08/05 23:27:15 GMT

© BBC MMVIII

PS: Any ideas?

Ambivalent points on the start of fear

I think my mother scared me when I was 3 months old. She said ‘boo’. It gave me the hiccups and she apparently must have been very satisfied. All mothers do it, you know! That’s how fear starts in everyone. Weren’t you ever booed at by your mother?

Alfred Hitchcock on the start of fear in an interview with Dick Cavett

PS. Any ideas?

Ambivalent points on existence

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I paid too much for that carpet.

Woody Allen

PS. Any ideas?