What was that? A headache, a rash in my hands from the restless washing, a migraine that I never had before and maybe is developing now, or too much salt that I added in the food. No, these are all excuses. It is the virus - the coronavirus - and it has come to me. It is here. It is invisible. And, it will kill me. It will kill me. It will kill me. Will it be painful, you think? Will anyone cry for me? Will anyone say a good thing or two about me? I want to text him and tell him that in all of this situation, I thought about him today. That I hope he is well, even if I die. Even if I don't live to ever find or touch, or feel another one? What happens to singles really in a pandemic? What are their chances of finding the one? Zero? Did I want to have a kid after all? No ... no that's taking too far. I am happy how I have decided about that. I just want it to all go away. For us to be free again.
How small? How vulnerable? How timid are we? There is an unparalleled nothingness to us all. Is this keyboard the last thing I will see? In my last healthy looking hours. I bought it last week when I was still not afraid. I heard that we were all going to be working from home and I thought I need a good looking keyboard. It is a great looking keyboard. It is one of the very few things that I took with me when I booked my flight. A one way ticket away from a home that I love dearly and could not think of ever leaving. But then I made the decision. I feel safer here. I feel I won't be a burden to my friends. I feel that the weather in Greece will be better and I will be looking outside the hospital window to the sunshine... remembering my island - the place that I love the most in this world. Maybe when all of this is done and if I survive it, I might go and live on my island. Get my groceries, some fish, open my windows to the Aegean ... I am sorry my mother wont be able to read this when I am dead .... I am so deep into this disaster. How am I going to get out of it? Will I spend my last healthy hours agonising about how I will die. My last hours should have been spent doing something which was a little bit more fun, than agonising.
I have just changed the music and I am already feeling better. I need a strong beat. Yes, I do. What if .... even if it is my last hours.... what does that mean? Maybe I will just die gracefully. With a beat! With the rhythm that I am used to having throughout my life. If I died now, my anxiety about getting tinnitus from the ongoing listening to music will not come true. I will have died Tinnitus free!
The Aegean, eh? What is there in the world apart from the Aegean (and him)? The blue, the white, the waves, the crystal calmness, the breeze, the storm, the sun, the moon and their reflections. The silence of the afternoon, the sweetness of the evenings, the craze and desire of the night.... the ongoing play between sun, sea and smiles... the rhythm of the night, the feeling of the night, the lights, the darknesses, it's like the whole world is winking, one eye looking at everything that is happening, one concealing... both together inviting you to join them.
I am feeling a little bit better... Tomorrow I will read some poetry. And then maybe I will fall gravely ill.
Good night. x
